I Don't Want To Be Me
I'm not feeling so bold
Can't you see I don't want to grow old
And my photograph's an epitaph of parody
I don't want to be me
Everything is ruined and it’s all my fault. I never should have taken this mission, I never should have gotten involved. I hurt those who stood in the way of the bullets for me. Those whose skin was broken all for me. I can’t seem to get those images out of my mind. Sakaki and Karasuma jumping to their feet, ready to fire on the intruders. Michael, who was the first to fall, and who has no way of defending himself. All for this artifact, all for the secrets of the craft. Secrets are such dangerous things. They tear lifelong friendships apart and break families that swore that they would always be together. I know I have no right to talk about secrets. I hid all of my intentions from them, I lied about why I was here and I played dumb in order to maintain my cover. Even so...I can’t shake those images from my mind. Amon. Amon, who got me away from there. Amon, who gave me Nagira’s number just in case something happened. Amon, who fought for my safety just so I could escape. Now he’s...missing.
Yes, he’s missing, not dead. No one found a body or blood so there is no evidence that
he’s dead. He’s missing. I just keep telling myself that over and over again. I also can’t decide if I
truly believe that or I’m just keeping myself in a state of denial. Something in my heart tells me
that he’s alive. Missing, in hiding, dead, no matter what state he’s in right now, it’s all because of
me. All because I didn’t complete my mission fast enough, but, more importantly, I shouldn’t
have allowed myself to get close those I was deceiving. I’m the one to blame, me, and I’ve never
felt guiltier about anything in my life
I'm not feeling so sure
It would help if you offered a cure
If I wait, it's too late for the remedy
I don't want to be me
I wonder what the next move will be. The STNJ is still up and running, I saw cars outside the building when I passed it to deliver a package. I wanted so much to stop and tell them that I was at least okay, alive even, but I knew that the risk was far too great. There might be men there waiting for me to do such a thing, waiting to take me away and lock me up like the rest of the witches I’ve help catch in the last few months. Despite the obvious risk, I had to go see someone and the safest person I could think of was Michael. If anyone knew how to go about avoiding the security of the building he did. He was so surprised when he heard my voice, I almost had to laugh, and I could almost picture what he his face looked like at that moment. We talked for a long, long time and I remembered how much I missed the long nights we would spend together in the headquarters with me keeping him company. He said he missed me too, missed how I would bring him coffee on the late nights and that it just wasn’t the same without my presence there with him. I told him to stop making me blush and we both had a good laugh, just like old times.
The old times…they seemed so far away now, so distant, like broken pieces of memories from a different life when they were only a month or so ago in reality. I wanted the comfort of my friends, my comrades, more than anything in the world at that moment, but I had to push those thoughts from my mind. They were not important. Michael went on to tell me that Sakaki had a broken leg and was on crutches, but healing fast. The “bullets” turned out to be rubber pellets. The men there were not shooting to kill, but merely shooting to bring everyone down in order to get to me. Michael never said that out loud, but I knew that was the case. He said everyone spent less than a day in the hospital and then were released. That made me so happy, so relieved that everyone was all right. Then he said Karasuma was working herself into the ground trying to do all the work herself. That’s when I found out about Amon.
You won't save me
Cuz I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run
Everyone assumed he was with me and I assumed he was with them. Assuming on both ends led to the discovery that Amon was no-where to be found. No blood, no body, no nothing. At that moment, more than anytime before, I wanted to see everyone again, to apologize for causing so much pain and worry. Yet, I couldn’t. Michael is one thing, I trust him so much, but if Karasuma is still loyal she would never forgive me for deceiving her. So, all I can do is turn to Michael seeking information. I can’t offer anything else to him or anyone else. I feel like such a coward that I can’t face them, go back and help them find Amon and fight back. But…
I can’t help but wonder: will the STNJ hunt me? Could they do that, would they? I can’t
seem to get my mind around that thought. I don’t have enough trust in them to believe that they
wouldn’t hunt me and I hate myself for even thinking that way. Some friend I turned out to be, I
put their lives in jeopardy and they fall protecting me and I can’t even trust them enough to turn
down orders to hunt me. I could never ask them to do that, denying what the factory tells you to
do, what the people in real power tell you to do, that’s like signing your own death slip, digging
your own grave. Who knows what kind of consequences could follow that refusal? I could never
ask them to take such a risk for my sake epically after all that has happened.
I'm not feeling so well
Maybe we could just sit for a spell
And make amends, it depends on my injury
I don't want to be me
I guess I only have myself to blame for this entire situation. I mean if it weren’t for me none of this would have happened. I wish I had never accepted this stupid mission. I wish they all weren’t so nice; it would have been so much easier to stab them in the back. Things are never easy for me though, never. Things are always complicated with someone like me. I don’t want them to be, but they are. I guess that comes with being different. Sometimes I like to think what things would be like if I were someone completely different. If I was just a normal sixteen year old living in a confusing world and surviving the normal things that normal people go through, like getting dumped, dates, school, and love Instead, I am far from normal. I carry with me the power of fire and with that power comes many complications. I can’t go to school and mingle with other people, if they ever found out it would be like locking me away for life. Instead of boys, love and dates, I deal with murder, death, insanity, lust, pain, hate, and more things that I can’t much more adjectives for. It’s all so complicated, so strange.
You won't save me
Cuz I'm not the fortunate one
So don't blame me
If I decide to just run
Sometimes I’ll lie awake in this small bed at Nagira’s and stare at the crescent moon for a long time, the silver beams dancing around my room causing shadows to form and vanish in the blink of an eye. I’ll wonder if things will ever work out for me, if I’ll ever just live a life that is normal enough to tolerate. I wonder if I’ll ever find love. I wonder if I do find it, will I be able to embrace it? Or will I have to run away yet again from everything that ever meant anything to me just to protect not only myself, but them as well? I wonder…how many people I’ve hurt over the years and if they will ever find it in their hearts to forgive me. I wonder…if running and hiding like this was the right decision. Should I come out of hiding and go back to my friends risking it all, but fighting back against the fear they have planted in my head? Or will I stay here where it’s safe, lingering in the shadows like a forgotten memory until…I fade from all existence.
These are all things that no one else can help me figure out, help me decide. These are situations I must work through on my own.
Cuz I’m not the fortunate one
Only I can make the final decision; where to go, what to do and…how to live my life.
So don’t blame me
I just hope that someday, somehow, I’ll find a way to make it up to everyone. I just hope, they’ll forgive me for all that I’ve done.
If I decide to go hide or instead to just run
-05/25/04
I’m sitting on a school computer. I just finish the last page to this thing fifteen minutes before the bell rings. I love this song so much. © Amanda Clemens for the beautiful song and the creators of Witch Hunter Robin for making such a beautiful and addicting series. I had fun writing this and I still have ideas for two more Witch Hunter Robin fan fictions on the way. Go me.