Call Me Call Me

I close my eyes and I keep seeing things
Rainbow waterfalls
Sunny liquid dream

            There are times when I wonder why I am traveling with this group of individuals. There are reasons and then there are reasons for me to stay. I care about each of these people. I care about them a lot and that’s why I think that it might be best for me to leave them. It sounds so stupid when I think about it. I care about them so much that I want to abandon them. I think they know why as well. They know that Naraku has a hold over me and I almost betrayed them once. I wanted to leave in the first place, but they made me stay.

            It’s ironic who I’m traveling with all together. I hate demons, I always have, it’s what was pounded into my head as a child. All demons are evil and here I am, traveling with a half demon and a fox demon. I’m traveling with demons and they are growing on me in many ways. Inuyasha is a nice enough person, Shippou is very sweet and Kagome has a heart of gold.

            Then there is the leacher of a monk, Miroku.

Confusion creeps inside me raining doubt
Got to get to you
But I don't know how

            I wonder if it is possible to hate someone and care for them immensely at the same time. It’s odd, but I think Miroku can see right through me. I think that he knows that I am in pain about what is happening to Kohaku is hurting me deeply. I don’t know how anyone with a mind like his could possibly understand my feelings of great despair and worry. He’s a pervert that does not even begin to think twice before rushing off with a beautiful girl. It doesn’t matter what other danger is happening, he just goes off. And I...

            And I’m always there when he falls. I’m there when he is wounded and needs help. I’m always there for him. Always. I guess I care as much as I can hate him sometimes. No matter what happens though, if it seems that his “weakness” will be used against him, I have to go with him. I have to keep him under control since he cannot handle himself as times. He drives me completely insane, completely. Though...what kind of insanity it is, I’m not entirely sure anymore. Could he be driving me literally insane, or...

            Is he driving me insane with...love?

Call me, call me
Let me know it's alright
Call me, call me
Don't you think it's 'bout time
Please won't you call and

            A question I’m asking myself now is if he came and declared he cared for me in...that way, would I return those emotions? I care about him a lot, but do I care that much? Is it true? Is it true that all he needs to do is call my name and I’ll come running into his arms? Am I dependent on him and I don’t even know it yet?

            I also asked myself: would he comfort me? Would he hold me in his arms and let me know that it will all work out in the end? For some reason I can see him doing that and in other ways I can’t. There are times when I think that he is completely incapable of feeling those kind of deep emotions and then there are times when I feel like he could name every moment in his life when he was happy on one hand. Do I really have the right to complain? I suppose I really don’t have that much room to complain. He lost his father when he was very young and he watched it happen. That would scar such a young mind. Then again, I also watched my family fall as well. Right in front of my own eyes.

            Do we actually have something in common?

Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you
Peace of mind
What can I do
to get me to you?

            How could I possibly relate to a person like that? Here I am, sitting in the bedroom of the most extravagant house in the town, a stomach full of warm food, clean from a fresh bath, all because Miroku told them that there was an ominous dark cloud hanging over the house when we all knew damn well that there was no such cloud. It’s just so wrong to take advantage of people the way he does. There is no excuse for that kind of behavior, even if it is for the better of the group. I’m wrapped in a warm blanket and admiring the stars from a beautiful bedroom because of the lie he told, because he took advantage of people’s paranoia.

            Then again...I suppose I am not that much better. The Slayers took advantage of the people’s weakness against demons to slay and gain wealth. Were we just as wrong as he is right now as he sleeps peacefully in his warm clothes and bed, when he took the money from the people who hired us to slay demons? We were helping them...but if our intentions were truly pure then we would have asked for no payment. Now that I’m thinking about it...we were just as bad as Miroku is. He takes advantage of paranoia while we took advantage of weakness. We were just as bad as he is.

            How is it possible for us to have things in common?

I had your number quite some time ago
Back when we were one
But I had to grow

            I don’t understand my own feelings. I don’t understand them at all. How can I find myself falling for a person like Miroku. He’s such a pervert. He constantly touches me in ways that he knows I hate. How many times do I need to hit that boy before I get it through that, oh so thick, skull of his. If he really cared for me he would stop and let me have my own space. I don’t think I could have made it any clearer for him. I could just come out and say it flat out, but even then I don’t think that would get through his head.

            Maybe he has other motives besides the fact that he’s a pervert. I know he wants to have a child before he dies. I know that his intentions are right in that sense since he doesn’t want his lineage to die out. He needs someone to carry on and defeat Naraku if he and the rest of us are unable to. I think he just wants someone in his family to live a normal, happy life. He seems to enjoy hitting on me, of all people, though. Maybe...maybe that’s the only way he knows how to express his feelings? Is that his way of showing that he cares for me? He certainly is persistent and won’t take a hint. Maybe he just cares...

Ten thousand years I've searched it seems and now
Gotta get to you
Won't you tell me how?

            All I need right now is to be held. All I need is for someone to hold me and tell me that it will be all right, that in the end everything will work out. Too much has happened for any sane person to handle. Too many emotions to handle, too much death, too much of everything. Everyone is so sweet and so supportive, but that just isn’t enough to ease my pain right now. Even being around them is hard sometimes because whenever I’m with any of them I think of the day the village was destroyed. They are a group of well intentioned people and I would take a sword to my heart for any of them in a heartbeat.

            Yet with Miroku it’s so different. I look at him and he will smile at me. I’ll smile back and that will be all, yet that smile is so emotionless. I know that he is just trying to keep my hopes, to keep everyone’s hopes up. He must be in as much pain as I am. He may not know it, but I do see through him. He is in pain and he can see through me. That’s why he continues to act the way he does around me. He’s trying to either lift my spirits or distract me from what’s going on around me with inappropriate behavior. He’s helping me each step of the way and trying to be as inconspicuous about it as possible.

Call me, call me
Let me know you are there
Call me, call me
I wanna know you still care
Come on now won't you

            I understand him a little more now...I think I understand him. We have more in common than I realized. We are both in pain. We have both suffered from great losses from the same demon. We both take and took advantage of the people of this world. We are both hiding our emotions. We both want to run away...he before the Wind Tunnel consumes him and me before I betray them all. We are both hiding from everyone else, throwing up these protective barriers to keep outsiders out and keep the emotions in. We are both trying to cover up our feelings and fight them.

            I won’t fight mine anymore. I don’t know what you think or what you feel Miroku, but I will no longer have this debate every night until the day I die. I can’t and I won’t. I know what I feel. I know, that despite it all, I love you. I know that we’re both so young, but I know what I feel for you. I really do. I’ve been in touch with the real word long enough to know and now I know. I won’t fight it anymore. I want to help you win this battle and I want you to live. I won’t let time take you away from me.

            I can’t lose another person close to my heart.

Ease my mind
Reasons for me to find you

            Can I tell him how I feel? Should I, when we are both dancing on the line of death? He already goes out of his way to protect me...that would just distract him even more, making his chances of...injury greater.

Peace of mind
Reasons for living my life

            When this is all over and you’re safe, I will take you into my arms and tell you how I feel. I know that you will understand how I feel. And even if we do not win and time will take you away from me...as the winds of the Wind Tunnel drag you away from me, I’ll still tell you that you did not live a life unloved.

Ease my mind
Reasons for me to know you

            I won’t think of that, though, for I know that we will win and I will save you. All you need to do in the end, Miroku...is call me.

What can I do
to get me to you?

~fin.

06/18/03

Eh, the ending didn’t really work the way I wanted it to, but I guess that’s all right. The second in a series of songfics dealing with Inuyasha and I hope they are enjoyable enough.