And If I Die Before I Wake

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray thee Lord my soul to keep

The air that hung in the Dark Tournament arena was both stomach turning and intoxicating. The sweet smell of sweat, freshly spilled blood, and death could make any person cringe or smile with the pleasure of being able to come to such a great event. For some it was the rush that came when the team they were rooting for gained the upper hand in a battle. When the voices of the demons rose to a deafening roar as the opponent fell to the ground, their own blood creating a small pool around them. The victorious walk off with fiendish grins on their faces while the dead are taken to the morgue where they will be thrown into the fires. The dead were given neither respect nor a proper burial. The dead were the dead, and they died because they were weak. The dead did not deserve any respect in this world.

Kurama’s emerald green eyes followed the stretcher as it passed him in the hallway, the fallen demon leaving small drops of blood on the floor. The medics either did not acknowledge Kurama as he stood there or they attempted to avoid him at all costs. The finals of the Dark Tournament were looming over his head, and he knew how much pain everyone was in after the loss of Genkai. He wondered how the rest of the team was going to hold up. The sun was down, the crowd off to their hotel rooms, the blood cleared from the floor, and the bodies were being burned. The next morning the Finals would start and the winner would be determined. This would determine who will walk out of the arena alive.

Kurama left his post at the wall and went back towards the hotel room, clasping his hands behind his back as he walked through the almost silent night, deep in thought. The Toguro Team was going to be next to impossible to beat, and he might just lose a person that meant the world to him in the process. He might just lose it all. I cannot bear the thought of losing any of them... he thought to himself, sighing heavily. We have to win this match...somehow, we have to win. Kurama looked up and realized he was standing before the hotel room he shared with the three other boys. He heaved a sigh and opened the door, expecting to see an empty room.

Much to Kurama’s surprise, Hiei was sitting on the couch. His back was straight and rigid, his hands folded neatly in his lap, and his face was blank, devoid of all emotion. His large crimson eyes stared straight ahead, and as he blinked, Kurama could see his long, flowing eyelashes brush his cheekbones. He seemed to be disconnected from then rest of the world because he did not react to Kurama’s presence in the room. Either that or he did not care who was in the room with him. Kurama stood there for what felt like a long time, just watching Hiei breathe in and out, that small chest rising and falling gently under the black cloak? that he always wore.

Kurama had always known that Hiei was something different. Something that seemed so forbidden yet irresistible to touch. For as long as he had known Hiei the smaller demon seemed to have an alluring aura that would ensnare the senses. Hiei’s very presence was like a drug, one that had to be taken over and over again to get that much-desired rush. Hiei was nothing like the many lovers the infamous Youko Kurama had taken in the past. Silently, Hiei seemed to offer so much more and without trying, he had touched a part of the great fox’s heart that no one else had ever done.

Kurama carefully closed the door behind him and, as silently as he could, walked across the room. Hiei continued to remain still and did not react to Kurama’s movements even when he was standing directly behind Hiei. Kurama looked down at the small body on the couch before him. Such a temptation...such a beauty...but Kurama did not know how to go about touching him without losing a limb...or a friendship.

Kurama settled on a simple approach. He gently put his hand on Hiei’s narrow shoulder, trying to make the movement as natural as he could. “Deep in thought, are we Hiei?” Hiei’s entire body tensed at the sudden sound and contact, but he made no attempt to remove Kurama’s hand from his shoulder.

“What do you want, fox?” he asked, his voice completely flat. Kurama removed his hand and walked around the couch, sitting next to his friend. Hiei’s large crimson eyes watched him the entire time. Kurama smiled at him.

“I just wanted your company Hiei and nothing more,” he replied and a moment of silence passed between them. “What were you thinking about so deeply before Hiei, that you did not acknowledge my presence?” Hiei shifted slightly on the couch and looked away from Kurama, once again getting lost in his thoughts.. On the contrary fox, I knew you were there the entire time. I could feel you before you ever opened the door. As I sat here and you stood there, those green eyes of yours watching my every move, I was wondering what you were thinking about...for as I sat here, deep in my own thoughts, I was only thinking of you. Hiei felt a smile form on his lips, a small yet amused smile. The damned Youko Kurama has taken yet another victim. I don’t think I’ll ever know how you managed to seduce me, but you have and now there isn’t a damn thing I can do to change it. Kurama eyed Hiei strangely as he sat there smiling. Kurama reached out and placed a hand of Hiei’s knee. “What are you smiling about Hiei?” Hiei turned to Kurama, coming out of his own thoughts.

“I was thinking about the tournament,” he lied. “I trying to imagine my strategy and my victory.” I was also thinking about you fox, and how much it would hurt me to see you lose in a battle to the death. Kurama blinked once at Hiei’s response, but kept his hand on his knee. Much to his surprise Hiei made no move to unsettle Kurama’s hand from his knee. Kurama looked a little surprised by this as well. Kurama could not avert his eyes from Hiei despite how much he tried. Hiei narrowed his eyes, “Why are you staring at me?” he asked, his voice a lot harsher than he intended. Kurama felt a lump grow in his throat. Here he was, with Hiei, and they were alone and he had the opportunity to express his feelings. About how afraid he was of Hiei getting hurt in the battle tomorrow. How the vision of his friend broken and bleeding on the tournament floor haunted his dreams. Kurama continued to stare at Hiei, mentally waging a war about whether he should say anything.

“I’m worried about you, Hiei.” he stated, his voice soaked with emotion. Hiei felt his eyes widen with the shock of the statement. Never before had he heard such pure emotion in any word directed at him. Hiei felt lost for words, there was so much to say yet he couldn’t find the right words to express any of it. Damn you fox. Damn. You. Kurama swallowed and continued. “The fight tomorrow will be nothing like any of us have ever fought before...even you and I. The fight tomorrow will mean putting our lives completely on the line and because of that I worry about you, Hiei. I have complete confidence in your abilities, but...those fighters tomorrow know something that we don’t. You have no weapon now, Hiei, and your sword has always been your strongest offence and defense.” He paused and hesitated, “I dream of you Hiei...I dream of you falling tomorrow and as much as I try I cannot revive you. I dream of you being consumed by the fires where all of the bodies go.” Kurama removed his hand from Hiei’s knee and stared at him. “I don’t want to lose you.”

The silence was deafening. Kurama felt like the world had been lifted off his shoulders now that he had only touched on what he felt for his best friend. Despite the relief, he felt a stab of worry and paranoia. What if Hiei completely rejected him or threw his emotions back in his face? He pushed the thoughts from his head. He was Youko Kurama; he was meant to be alone, and if this runt of a demon rejected his feelings then so be it. He would move on, just like he always did. I know very well that my race doesn’t know what it means to have a long term lover and even though I want so much from Hiei...just to be with him once would be enough.

Hiei sat, completely dumbfounded that Kurama would say such a thing to him. No one in Hiei’s entire life had ever admitted to caring about him in any way, shape, or form. To have someone declare these types of feelings was the biggest shock of his entire life. He stared blankly back at Kurama, this person who had openly said that he cares about him, that he thinks about him, Hiei had no idea how to react to said feelings. His entire body seemed frozen; yet, at the same time, he could feel that he was shaking ever so slightly, so slightly that he was entirely sure that Kurama could see it. Hiei could not let Kurama or anyone else see weakness.

Hiei opened his mouth to say something, and Kurama felt his heart jump. He did not want to hear what Hiei had to say, for in the pit of his stomach he knew that it was going to be nothing good. This was his one chance to taste the forbidden child, his one chance to touch Hiei. He leaned forward and gently placed his lips on Hiei’s. He tasted like wine as he kissed his soft lips, drinking his essence and losing all sense of reality. Kurama closed his eyes and relaxed completely, his hand moving to the back of Hiei’s neck and then running his long, thin fingers through those midnight and snow white strands.

For a moment, Hiei was entirely sure that he had fallen asleep and this was a dream. Kurama was kissing him. Kurama was kissing him. The beautiful Youko Kurama who could have anyone in either world was kissing him. He felt his muscles slowly start to relax, but he still could not make himself kiss Kurama back. He felt those soft, velvet lips against his and he was doing nothing. He was not accepting (though he wished his damned limbs would let him) and he was not refusing (he would never forgive himself if he ruined this moment that way), he was just sitting there, letting Kurama kiss him, touch him, tease him with his gentle touches.

Kurama pulled away slowly from Hiei, letting his lips hover over his for a moment. The smaller demon seemed completely frozen in place. Kurama released Hiei and stood slowly, keeping his eyes on the small demon, waiting for his move. No words were spoken, for the next move was not his, but Hiei’s. Hiei, however, just followed Kurama’s movements with his large crimson eyes obviously struggling to keep emotion from leaking into them. I should have known better, I was expecting him to let me have a glimpse into his mind. Hiei never lets anyone know what he is thinking about or see emotion in his eyes. People take advantage of strong emotions. Kurama also felt the emotion fall from his eyes. He reached forward and touched Hiei’s cheek with his fingertips. The silence in the room was deafening and heart breaking. Kurama drew his hand away and walked towards the door of the room, never uttering a word. Hiei’s eyes followed him the entire time until his body glided through the door, closing it behind him with a gentle click.

+++

The night was far too peaceful, in a way that was almost suspicious. This island had a certain ineffable beauty. The stars twinkled brightly in the ebony sky above his head. It was truly a lovely night. What waited in the next few hours, in the finals that were looming around the bend, the fights that would determine whether or not he would be able to walk into the Makai without being attacked instantly? The fight would determine whether those he cared about would live or die. This was the fight, and it was only hours away. He knew that he should be resting, but he could not bring himself to relax. He knew very well that he was not ready for a fight of such magnitude. He knew that there were few (if any) apparitions that were. Even so, he had little choice of who he would fight. He could and would not run. He did not fear death.

Kurama ran his fingers through his long strands of deep red hair and sighed, a hint of frustration in that exhausted sigh. So many things on his mind and yet he found his thoughts drifting back to the apartment room. To that moment when he and Hiei were together, alone, and to him, all things seemed so perfect. It was not how he imagined his first (and maybe only) kiss with Hiei would be like. He imagined something...well...more romantic than that. In the deepest part of his heart, he had also wished that Hiei would have reacted differently.

Kurama heaved a sigh and shook his head. What was done was done and there was not a damned thing he could do to change that. I need to focus on preparing myself for the worst tomorrow. I need to concentrate right now and figure out a good defense that could work against all if not just one of the opponents. I know that I will most likely be pitted against Karasu, but I might as well prepare in case that does not happen. Kurama thought deeply and felt his mind start to drift as he started to build a strategy that would defeat his opponent and keep him alive in the process. Long range battle seems to be the best bet and– Kurama’s thoughts were interrupted by the sudden sound of someone near by. The smell was so familiar, but they were doing their best to hide it. They obviously knew that he had an exceptional sense of smell if they were purposely hiding their sent.

Kurama felt something shift behind him and as he turned to block his attacker, but his movements were just a second too slow. Before he could blink, Kurama felt a body slam into his hard and force him to the ground, his back hitting the cement hard. Out of instinct, he winced from the sudden rush of pain and silently swore to himself. These kinds of mistakes were the ones that decided whether you died or walked out of the ring alive. He felt cold metal press against the warm, vulnerable flesh of his neck. One swift movement and he was not entirely sure that even he could survive an attack like that awkward sentence. Kurama slowly lifted his eyes to his attacker and felt them widen when he saw the emotionless face of Hiei.

“Hiei? What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice oddly calm for the situation. Hiei did not respond. He just stared down at Kurama. “Hiei, what are you doing? Going to kill me before the finals?” This time there was a hint of mockery in his voice and instantly he knew that getting Hiei mad was not going to help his situation. The smaller demon suddenly snarled at the remark and pressed the blade harder into Kurama’s flesh, though not hard enough to draw blood.

“Shut up, Fox. If I wanted to kill you you’d already be dead.” he snapped. Kurama slowly raised an eyebrow.

“Then explain why you are doing this,” he replied nonchalantly.

“Ch.” Hiei did not dare answer truthfully why he was doing this. You make things so easy Kurama. You let your guard down, and I made my move, and because of the situation I have the perfect excuse. Dumb fox. Hiei felt a small grin form on his lips. “I was just testing your nerves. You are slipping, Kurama.” Hiei pulled the knife away from Kurama’s flesh and stared down at the demon before him. A fiendish grin was slowly forming across his lips. Hiei knit his eyebrows together. “What are you grinning about. Fox?” Kurama continued to smile.

“Slipping now, am I?” Hiei blinked and Kurama’s hand shot forward at lightning fast speed, snatching the hilt of the blade and ripping it out of Hiei’s hand. Hiei felt his muscle tense to defend himself, but Kurama was already shooting forward, knocking Hiei onto his back. Kurama moved swiftly onto top of Hiei, straddling his waist with his legs and pinning his shoulder to the ground his hands. Hiei could feel the knife against his throat. Kurama had managed to angle the knife in such that he was holding it steady by pressing the hilt into his shoulder with the blade gently touching the smaller demons flesh. Kurama leaned forward, his red hair spilling over his shoulders like veil sealing them off from the world, and stopped just before his nose touched Hiei’s. He was still smiling. “I think it is you who is slipping,” he whispered.

Hiei felt his heart rise into his throat and pound so loudly he was entirely sure that Kurama could hear it as well. The booming in his ears seemed so loud that he had to listen carefully to make sure he heard Kurama correctly. He swallowed, but said nothing.

“Why did you really come here, Hiei?” Kurama whispered, his voice intense and earnest. He leaned closer so their lips were almost touching, “Tell me Hiei, you may never get another chance.” Hiei pressed his lips together, but said nothing. “Say it, Hiei, say it.”

It was taking all of his strength to fight off his urges to touch Kurama anywhere and everywhere. This is my chance, and I don’t want to take it. A weakness, feelings like this are weak, but I can’t hold back anymore. I won’t hold back anymore. Hiei stared into the endless green orbs and whispered, his voice strangely neutral, “I came to see you.” Hiei felt like a weight had been lifted. He knew that Kurama had picked up on the hidden meaning behind those words. He knew Kurama well enough that he did not need to say things directly to get through to his friend. Kurama looked taken aback for a moment, before he closed the final space between them and kissed Hiei.

Much to his surprise, Hiei kissed him back instantly and hungrily. He could taste all of the hidden desire that he had been holding in for so long pouring over them. The blade fell to ground and Hiei moved his arms around to Kurama’s neck, his fingers playing with strands of the rose colored hair. Kurama caressed Hiei’s tongue gently as he let lose his own desire. He moved his hands off of Hiei’s shoulders while placing one on the pavement to keep himself from crushing the smaller demon below him and the other playing the opening on Hiei’s trademark black cloak. Neither man cared whether or not someone came and saw them. These were the type of people that could handle violence, why not this?

Hiei pulled away from Kurama’s soft lips and looked into the endless pools of emerald. The moment seemed to last for so long as Hiei found himself lost in those eyes. Kurama stared back and touched Hiei’s cheek ever so slightly. He looked at the fire demon and whispered, “Is there something wrong Hiei?” Hiei shook his head.

“No, but the hour grows late and we need our rest for tomorrow...” Hiei replied in a monotone voice. Kurama vowed at that moment not to show any form of disappointment. The lack of emotion behind Hiei’s voice hurt him, but not to extent that he would show Hiei weakness. Kurama nodded and crawled off of the smaller demon and sat on the ground at Hiei’s feet. Hiei also sat up, but stayed on the ground near Kurama. The world around them was silent with nothing but the sound of waves crashing on the beach and the wind blowing through the trees of Hanging Neck Island. The stars above them shown brightly and twinkled. Kurama looked up at the sky and saw a star fall, a small blink of light flying across the sky. He felt a small smile form across his lips. He was becoming a slave to his own thoughts and soon nothing else mattered but what was going on in his head.

“Kurama.” Hiei’s voice broke the silence as he stated his name in his usual monotone voice. Kurama blinked and looked back at his friend.

“Yes, Hiei?” he replied. Hiei said nothing for a moment.

“How badly do you want to win tomorrow?” Kurama blinked at the question, but made no comment on the context of it.

“I would like to live and if we do not win then we do not live. It is simple as that.” Hiei did not seem satisfied with the answer.

“What do you have to live for, Kurama?” Kurama felt himself recoil slightly to the question. He said nothing and Hiei continued. “If you have nothing to live for, then why bother to fight tomorrow to win?” Kurama felt a lump form in his throat. Never before had anyone asked him if he had a reason to keep going on a day to day basis. As such, he had no idea how to respond to a question like that. He glanced over at Hiei who was watching him with a blank expression. A heavy silence fell between them, so thick that Kurama felt he could touch it if he so desired. The silence dragged on for what felt like a lifetime though it was only a few minutes. Hiei waited patiently for the response and secretly Kurama wished he would hurry him along, some motivation to think faster and come up with a half decent answer. Kurama looked at his hands and then at Hiei again, making eye contact and making sure not to look away.

“I cannot think of any reason for me to live. I have nothing to live for.” Hiei did not seem the least bit surprised by the answer, nor did he seem irritated. He just stared back and nodded slightly.

“Neither do I…which makes me wonder if I will be able to fight to my greatest potential tomorrow. I know that Koenma would see that Yukina made it out of here alive so why should I bother?” Kurama winced slightly at the sheer emotionless tone that Hiei was speaking in. It hurt him to hear a voice so dead.

“We...need to find something to live for, Hiei, so we can fight our best tomorrow.” Hiei, again, did not show any hint of what his reaction was. Instead, he just stood up, crossed his arms, and looked out into the night. Kurama could see Hiei’s perfect profile and found himself staring. Hiei, however, seemed to be in deep thought for the time being. A gentle night wind began to blow, lifting the demon's hair and sending Hiei’s black cloak flapping in the wind.

“I have a proposition for you.” Kurama looked up at Hiei, frowning at the odd statement. It was unlike Hiei to make “deals” with anyone.

“You do? And what might that be?” Hiei did not move or speak for a moment. His face remained emotionless.

“If we win tomorrow, we can both give into our needs.” Kurama blinked and stared at Hiei. He hoped that he was not misinterpreting this. He stood and touched Hiei’s narrow shoulder gently.

“Hiei?” He whirled around and faced Kurama, eyes narrowed.

“Can you not understand me, Fox?” he snapped. Kurama felt slightly taken aback by the comment, but ignored the tone of the statement. He smiled slightly.

“Yes, I understand you, Hiei.” The smaller demon narrowed his eyes and folded his arms across his chest again.

“I demand an answer from you, now.” Kurama felt his smile widen.

“I know what you mean, Hiei, I know.” Hiei nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets. Another silence passed, though this time it was peaceful. There was no need for words at this moment. Both men were deep in thought, hardly aware of the other’s presence. They were both going over, in their minds, how much they needed to push forward if they were to win the next day. For deep down, in the soul of each demon, they wished that victory was in their futures.

And if I die before I wake

I pray thee Lord my soul to take

~Fin.

07/28/03

This took a long time for me to complete and I’m not entirely sure why. Another thing is I’m not entirely sure why I used the first part of the prayer that I had to recite every night as a kid. I guess this fan fiction is all right. I drew on a lot of my own emotions for Hiei and Kurama’s feelings of “not having a reason to live” thing. They are both alone in the world so that’s something they have in common. Now they have motivation to win and to fight to their limits. This is also my first shounen-ai/yaoi fan fiction and hopefully the first of many. If I get positive responses for this one then expect more.