Words We Couldn’t Say

We couldn't say them
So now we just pray them
Words that we couldn't say

            The night is always so peaceful. These are the moments that I treasure, the moments when I love to stare into that endless void of a midnight sky. These are the times when everything in the world seems to be in its rightful place. The people that I care about are all around me, sleeping on the cold ground because we are on a quest to save the world. To retrieve the shards of the Jewel, the Jewel that every human and every demon seeks. To find all of the shards before He does.

            Do I honestly think that I could be as fortunate as to have things just fall into place? Fate seems to enjoy toying with me like some child’s plaything. I know very well that things never work out the way I want them to. It must be my dumb luck or something to that extent. Perhaps it is karma coming back and biting me. I really don’t know. It could be a number of things. I am far from being a perfect and noble person as it is.

            They are all asleep. Breathing deeply and silently, dreaming many different dreams. What visions are passing through their mind? Inuyasha is most likely dreaming of the day when he defeats his brother and Naraku. Kagome dreaming of the moment when Inuyasha will truly notice her and she wonders...when this is all over, she will have to leave all of us. She wonders how she will cope with it. Shippou dreams of what it will be like when we all part ways. After this is over we will all go our separate ways and how he will survive without the support we give him. And Sango...she dreams of only one thing...she dreams of her brother and his freedom.

 
Funny ain't it
Games people play
Scratch it, paint it
One in the same

            I feel like such a fake person. I feel as if I am constantly lying to all of them. I have to be the one with all of the optimism. I have to be the one that has the smile that is suppose to reassure everyone. I must remain calm for the sake of everyone else because that is who I am. I am Miroku, the perverted, calm, carefree monk. I’m just lying though.

            I’m lying because I scream in agony and worry every day. I know that my time grows shorter and shorter, with each passing day, hour, minute, my life span grows shorter and shorter. Every day this damned hole in my hand splits more and more making the fact that this black void is going to suck me in and kill me. Just like my father and my grandfather, all three of us were all destined to die that death. I do not know when this thing could split and kill me before I had the chance to warn anyone to get away.

            I’m a danger to all of them. If the winds are let loose then there is nothing that I can do. I could drag them all to the grave with me. I could never move onto another life if I killed any of them. I could never move on for committing such a sin.

We couldn't find them
So we tried to hide them
Words that we couldn't say

            I have to hide my true feelings. I have no choice. I have no right to let anyone get close when I am just going to die in less than a full season. I have no right to tell any of them I care for them more than anything. Though I care for some more than others...

            Sango.

            I care for her more than anything. I always have and I suppose that I always will. Despite how I may act around her, they were all just meaningless gestures. I think, deep down, I do all of the things that I do to her to keep her away. I care for her yet I push her away by being obnoxious. I touch her that way to keep her from getting close to me. I keep her away so when I leave, I won’t hurt her.

It hurts don't it
Fools on parade
Taint it, own it
Chase it away

            I feel like a fool for thinking the way I do. Despite the fact that there is logic in the way I think there is no possible way for me to be happy. I have to keep her away. I have to keep them all away. I can’t believe I was such a fool. Here I was thinking that I could stay with companion and be happy for the remainder of my days, but how could I ever do that to the people who care about me? How could I just turn around and die just like that. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

            I have to bury my feelings for her. I have to, I have no other choice. That is the way things are and that is the way it has to be.

            Yet...

            I’m so lonely. There is nothing but emptiness, this emptiness that seems to be eating me alive. Maybe it won’t be the Kazaana that kills me, it might just be this loneliness and this emptiness. By the time the void eats me I might just be dead on the inside.

We couldn't make them
So we had to break them
Words that we couldn't say

            I have nothing left in this world anyway. I have my feelings for Sango, but she does not know what I feel for her. I do not know what she is feeling for me, but there are times when our eyes will lock and there will just be this mutual feeling of sadness that we seem to share. When she smiles at me...I feel like she is trying to secretly tell me something and I just cannot understand what it is.

            What are you trying to tell me Sango? What are you trying to share with me without saying direct words? What can I say? I don’t understand you Sango, one moment you seem to hate me so much. The anger behind the way you hit me and the way you glare at me so. I can feel your anger.

            Then there are other times, when I am hurt or wounded, and you rush to my side and assure me that I will live. When you tell me that I can’t die, that you won’t let me die, I feel like you want me to be happy. That you truly believe that we will kill Naraku and lift my curse. How can you remain so positive? How can you still believe that it is at all possible for me to survive long enough? He is so powerful, and he has more shards than we do, giving him even more power than before. He is nearly invincible, and I know that you know that. You have seen him. You have seen him battle. You know.

Sometimes baby
We make mistakes
Dark and hazy
Prices we pay

            In the end, I suppose I should tell her at some point. I know that I act like I want every women I meet to come to my bed. I shame not only myself, but my family with such behavior. I need to tell her that I don’t mean what I say to those women. There are times when I wonder if I even want to have a child to carry on this quest. What right do I have placing this burden on another? Maybe I should just let my line die.

            That would let him win, though. That would mean Naraku struck down my family forever. I swear that there are times when I want to roll over and die, but I know that someday...I hope...he will be defeated and my family can once again rest easy. I have no godly idea if that will come during my time. It would be nice to be completely normal and not have this void of death on my hand. I could live my life to the fullest and just be the person that I want to be. I could be normal. And I wouldn’t have to hide.

            I won’t let him win. If I can’t beat him then someone in my lineage will eventually. I just need to make sure that the strength stays in the family. The person that will carry on my quest needs to be strong. They need a strong mother...like Sango.

I sit here on my shelf
Just talking to myself
Words that we couldn't say

            I am getting ahead of myself now. I know all too well that if I ever asked she would hit me so hard that I would see the night sky dancing in front of my eyes for a week. That girl certainly has a temper and a lot of strength to back that temper up. Truly an amazing person. I wish I could have met her at a better time. Even a year earlier than this, but since the world seems to hate me, I had to meet the girl I would give anything to spend eternity with just before I manage to make the Kazaana split years early. I might as well dig my own grave.

            It’s really not fair. I have decided that it’s just not fair. How can my luck be this rotten? There are times when I think Naraku has something to do with my lack of good luck. He does, in a way, he is the one keeping me from letting anyone get close. I blame him...and I hate myself for having the opportunity to kill him before and failing like the weakling that I am. I hate my own weakness, both physically and mentally.

            I’m an emotional wreck. I have all of these strong emotions that I would give anything to act on, but I keep them all hidden. I care too much to see her hurt like that. I know that it’s impossible for it to ever happen, but why do I secretly hope that somehow, something will happen and I will be able to express what I feel? If I had to choose between lifting my curse and protecting Sango from any harm...I would protect her. I would die from this damned curse just to save her. I wish she knew how much I care...and I wish I had the nerve to tell her.

Someday, maybe
We'll make it right
Until that day
Long endless nights

            Time seems to be my worst enemy. I have time to sit here, under the night sky thinking, yet I don’t have the time to live a normal life. I have the time to lie here and dream of what I could be. Such a pathetic life I lead.

            She’s just so beautiful. I can see her sleeping figure from here, moonlight dancing across her peaceful face. She sleeps and dreams with a hope that things will work out in the end. I know for a fact now, as I sit here watching her, listening to my own heartbeat, that I love her. God, I love her more than anything. I also envy her so much...that she believes that she can save me, save her brother, save the world.

            Sango, you have the strength to save the world. With the help of Inuyasha, Kagome and all of the other allies you will make along, the way you will play a crucial part in the final scene of this play we are in. You can and you will defeat the demons that haunt your dreams and take back that which belongs to you. I know you can and I know you will. I just wish that I could tell you how much I love and care about you...though that would just be a distraction. For now, I am satisfied with the brief moments of understanding and the kindness you show me even after everything I pull. I am satisfied with that much...though never happy.          

We couldn't say them

            It would be so unfair for me to let you get close. It would be so unfair to all of them...I can’t let anyone get close.

So now we just pray them

            So I have to keep it all inside. I have to keep playing the role as the perverted, calm, carefree monk. I have to. I have to continue to lie, because I just can’t tell her, tell them, I can’t let them get close and then lay down and die. I have to keep it all inside...though not for my sake...but so she doesn’t suffer when I leave. I have to remain silent...

Words that we couldn't say

~fin.

05/14/03

Notes: I don’t know how I feel about this fan fiction. I treaded into new waters in more than one way with this one. This is my first stab at an anime fan fiction and my first stab at a songfic. I really want to know how I did. I don’t own Inuyasha or “Words We Couldn’t Say” either. They are copyrighted to their rightful owners. Reviews or comments are much appreciated.