You’re Not Alone

I've walked so long

I can't remember - where was my home?

Their distance faces fade away

I'm always on my own.

I can show a smile

It's not hard to do

I can have the strength to go on

            A normal life. I guess I sometimes lay awake thinking about what my life would be like if none of this had ever happened. I wonder if I would be out dating a normal guy, doing my homework at this very moment, fighting with my little brother, doing the things that normal teenage girls are supposed to be doing. I think that maybe I’m unlucky to be living this life. The more time I stay in the Feudal Era the more I fall behind in school. In the end . . . I’m going to go back to my time, my normal life, and leave this world forever. Once the jewel is collected . . . I might never be able to come back here. Then I’ll get my . . . wish, then I’ll have a normal, teenage life. I’ll have to leave and never see my friends ever again.

            I guess I can live with that fact if I know they will all be safe once the jewel is destroyed and Naraku is gone. I can know that they all lived great lives until the end. Yet I still feel this pain in my heart whenever I think about leaving Inuyasha, Shippo, Miroku and Sango forever. Despite the fact that some of them may hate to admit it, we’ve all become so close, just like friends, over these pasts weeks. We protect and care about each other and despite the fact that it may seem like we don’t care we all know we do. I can see it in their eyes that they have feelings for each other that run deep. When I look in Miroku’s eyes . . . I see worry and pain, uncertainty and insecurity. When I look in Sango’s eyes, I see determination yet the feeling of giving up nagging at the back of her brain. When I look in Shippo’s eyes, I see loneliness and a need to help out. I throw on my smile to keep them all hanging in there, I have to, I’m the last hope after all.

But sometime I wanna let go of everything.

When thoughtfulness is not their game

I teach by giving love.

High mountain seems higher endlessly

When they're pebbles at your feet.

            Inuyasha though, his eyes tell a story every time I look in them. They draw me in and tell me about his past, his dreams and most secret desires. I think he knows this because he hardly ever lets me look him in the eye. I think he knows I can see into them. I can understand why though, sometimes I don’t even want to know what he’s thinking. I know that he cares about me, he admitted it to my face before, but I also know he cares about her . . . about Kikyo still. No matter what she does to him, he still cares for her. It hurts me to see him care for her so much and he knows that, but it’s not like he can change the way he feels.

            It’s not like I can change the way I feel either. Stupid Kagome, here you are basically saying that he is a fool for loving someone who hurts him when you are the exact same way. You love him and all he does is hurt you. It’s not like you’re a couple in any way, shape or form. It’s not like I can come down on him for cheating on me or anything, I have no right. I make a fool of myself every time I pitch a fit he sees Kikyo and defends her. What right do I have to do that? Who do I think I am? Certainly not his girlfriend. I’m putting myself through all sorts of unnecessary pain, pain that I could be avoiding. I need to get over this. I have to make myself stop loving him.

And if you should still fall into despair,

there is one thing left to believe

I lie in your heart always.

Nothing is braver than honesty

My life is your faith in me.

            Yet I can’t. I went home and cried, I fell into my mother’s arms and cried until I felt like my heart was going to shatter, yet I could never let myself forget him. I cried as I look up at that sacred tree before me hundreds of years later. I cried as his face ran through my mind like an endless movie that seemed to go for an eternity. I cried as the memories of him with Kikyo, wanting her, loving her. I’m such a fool to think he would ever love me the way I love him. I’m such an idiot, I wish he would just go away. Sometimes I wish I had never met. Something I wish I had never fallen down that stupid well and into this world!

            ...who am I kidding . . . I know that I would never wish that and really want it to come true. There are times when I love every moment of what happens. The relief in the eyes of the people we save. It is the most rewarding feeling. When everything turns out all right and no one is hurt, when I see the look in the eyes of my friends, the look that they know that they’ve made a difference, it is just so overwhelming. I love it. I love every minute of it. The friendships that I’ve made reach across time. They are the strongest bonds and nothing will ever tear them apart.

I'll be there when you need

You don't have to hide from me.

What you are feeling now

I fill your soul.

We will seek together destiny

Troubles have an end.

we'll carry on hand in hand

You’re not alone.

            I know that I am only putting things off and living in denial when I tell myself that everything will be okay. I mean, I could die tomorrow and never see my family again. They would never know what happened to me. They would never get my body for proper funeral. I can’t even imagine what I put them through every time I run off. Is it really fair? I want to just stay home in my mother’s arms, watching my brother grow older and spend time with my elderly grandfather before he leaves this world. I have family and friends in my time that I am complete neglecting and that is hardly fair of me. They must hate me now, they must think that I’m on my death bed right now.

            I can’t neglect my friends in my Feudal Era either! Sure, some of my friends in my era may be going through a tough time, but they are hardly in life threatening danger! I can’t just leave them to search blinding for the jewel shards. I’m the only one who can see them after all! It just makes me so frustrated because I can’t have everything I want. I know that it’s asking a lot, but I want to drag my entire family and life from my time to this time. I want the impossible which means it will never happen. What a depressing realization.

People searching desperately outside themselves

Caught up in thinking of whatever helped.

And I'd forgotten too that love exists inside me as in those I wanted from

I feel you now.

            I feel like I am trying so hard to pretend that I’m content with the way things are. We stop at “home” every now and then when we’re really hurt. It gives me time to myself. It helps me sit back in the night and just look at the stars, smell the clean air, watch my friends sleep peacefully. They look so content sleeping there, it’s like they don’t care at all that I’m watching them or that there could be a demon out there just waiting for a hint of their scent. I lie awake at night sometimes, or I wander from the camp, thinking about what could happen the next day. I worry so much about them. I don’t want to lose anyone

I'll be there when you need

We will live together.

Nothing is in our way

With trust in our soul.

We will seek together destiny

Troubles have an end.

            I feel bad for Inuyasha though. I know what it feels like to be alone. I truly do. I know what it feels like now to be starred at for what you look like. Villagers here stare at me like I am here take their souls and steal their children. The people that say that looks don’t matter obviously never hung out with a half demon. They never had people screaming and running away from them saying “Demons! Demons! They have come to slay us all!” They don’t wait for an explanation, only when Miroku or Sango speak up do we actually have some of the villagers trust us. If not, then we are nearly run out of town. I wonder if they would even accept our help.

            I wonder what it was like as a child. I wonder if he understood why people stared at him, why other children would stare at him. I wonder what kind of torture his mother went through from family members and friends, to give birth to such a half demon such as he. It must he equaled some sort of treachery. They must have thought she was some sort of demon for lying with a demon. That poor woman, I feel so bad for her. She must have had it just as hard as he did, if not harder.

We will carry on hand in hand

I’ll stay here until the end, I promise.

We won't forget we have each other.

Always you will have my shoulder to lean on.

Never!

I won’t give you up, not without a fight.

Love is in the hearts of all men

I’m here, I’ll always be here.

You're not alone.

~Fin.

12/14/03

I finally finished. Kagome’s voice started out easy and then got harder to write. Is it obvious? It feels kind of rushed at the end. Oh well, the second to last of these fics, I’m almost done.