Cease To Make Other People's Lives A Burden

It is for such a creature to creep away into a corner and die and cease to make other people's lives a burden with her presence. - Stefan Zweig, Beware of Pity

There were some days when everything was eerily normal. Sure, Finn was still so cold he often found himself shivering without even realizing it. There was this pit in his stomach that felt like someone dropped a rock in there, and it would not go away. There were the bruises that no one else could see, but they still ached, and they faded like normal bruises until they were gone. On those days, when the bruises were faded, and maybe he forgot he was cold for a moment, Finn thought life could be normal again; he thought he could be normal again. 

Then a phone would ring, or Finn would remember that he was always cold, and he'd be right back to the reality of the situation. The Grabber was haunting him. The Grabber could interact with him on a physical level in dreams, and those interactions would affect his body in the real world. The Grabber made sure that he was always cold, but there was never any relief, and no one else could feel it. The Grabber made sure this lump in his stomach ruined his appetite and made Finn feel nauseated constantly. The Grabber made sure no one could see the bruises, feel the cold, or see the damage he was inflicting. 

The Grabber wanted Finn to kill himself because that's how he would win. 

Finn would lie in bed at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what would happen if he tried to tell Gwen or his father what was going on. The Grabber didn't say that he would do anything if Finn told them what was going on. However, he also described them not being involved as a "kindness," and the last time the Grabber focused his attention on someone who wasn't Finn, they almost lost Gwen. Maybe they could help, maybe they would believe him, but with that came risks that Finn wasn't willing to take. The Grabber knew that would be the case, too, which is why he made sure that no one could see what was going on. 

Finn didn't know what kept him up at night more; agonizing over whether or not it was true and letting the guilt slowly eat him alive. He tried to be normal so he wouldn't drag anyone else down with him, but it was getting harder and harder every day. After everything they had all gone through, the last thing Gwen and Dad needed was the burden of carrying his weight. However, like most things with the Grabber, becoming a burden also felt inevitable.

Two months and four dreams with the Grabber after Alpine Lake, Finn collapsed at school. He didn't remember much of it, just that it got harder to breathe, he was suddenly very dizzy, and the world went black. When Finn woke up in a hospital, hooked up to an IV, he nearly screamed, but he managed to keep himself under control. Gwen and his father were in the room; it seemed that while the primary effects that the Grabber was inflicting on Finn's body weren't showing up, the side effects were. 

"You've lost a rather significant amount of weight," the doctor said as he looked over Finn's chart. "And your bloodwork shows that you're malnourished. Are you having trouble gaining access to food?" 

"No, we have plenty of food in the house. I didn't notice that he wasn't eating enough," his Dad replied. The doctor glanced at Gwen, and she nodded. 

"There's also some strange things going on with your body we can't explain," the doctor said. "Your blood pressure, which used to be fine, is very elevated now, almost dangerously so. Your fingers and toes are discolored; your sister and father have both reported that you're sleeping excessively, and your school says you're also drifting off in class. Your skin is also flaky and overly dry, and your muscles are behaving strangely, almost as if they're having periodic spasms. This is all very concerning, as you can imagine, so we're going to keep you here so we can do more tests and see if we can figure out what's going on." 

Finn didn't know how to ask her whether all these things were side effects of someone constantly being cold, but if he did, they would ask why he was asking, and then nothing good would come of it. This was dangerous because if the doctors heard that Finn was experiencing things no one else could see, they might assume it was all in his head and that he was a danger to himself or others. Getting thrown in the insane asylum seemed like something that would be part of the Grabber's plan. 

"That sounds great, thank you," Finn said. The doctor nodded, informed Gwen and his Dad that visiting hours would end soon, and left the room. 

"Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?" Dad asked, and he actually sounded a little angry. 

"I figured it was just some winter cold and it would pass," Finn replied. Gwen narrowed her eyes because she was always a lot better at telling when he was lying, but she didn't say anything. What Finn did notice was how stressed his Dad seemed. "Dad?"

"I just don't know why you didn't say something sooner. Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost us?" Ever since he stopped drinking, his Dad had been making decent money, but it still wasn't much. Finn wanted to rip the IV out of his arm so he could run out of here. He wanted to apologize, even though there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent this. He wanted to explain, but nothing came out. "Just try to get better, son. I need to go talk to the front desk." His Dad left without another word, and Finn didn't know what he was supposed to do. 

"We're going to figure this out," Gwen said. "You just figure out how to get better, and I'll help Dad with the rest. It's going to be fine." Finn wanted to tell her that there wasn't any figuring this out because this wasn't going to end. He wanted to tell her that the only way this ends is with his body in the ground. He wanted to tell her that they didn't win, not entirely, that night on the lake. However, Gwen was even more intuned with all of this than Finn ever was. If he could do this to Finn in the dreams and no one could see, he couldn't imagine what he could do to her when they all saw what he almost did to her.

"Yeah, I'm sure we will, this is normal compared to everything else," Finn replied as he attempted to make light of the situation. Gwen looked like she didn't quite believe him, but a nurse hurried her outside because visiting hours were over. She told Finn to get some rest, but said she would be in to check on him throughout the night to make sure everything was okay. It was just like the one night he spent in the hospital after the basement, so he knew how all of this worked.

The Grabber was enjoying picking at scabs even if Finn knew they were healed. As soon as he planted the idea that Finn was the actual target and everyone else was target practice, the Grabber had leaned into that. He kept taunting Finn with the other boys, with ringing phones, and asking what would happen if he picked up. They were all too fast to help, but they would throw him to the wolves now if they could, if they knew.

The most recent one, the one that seemed to trigger this series of physical symptoms, was when the Grabber taunted him with Robin. It was horrific. He made sure Finn knew, in gruesome detail, every single thing that Robin suffered because of him. He told Finn that Robin suffered worse because of his direct connection to Finn, because anyone closer to Finn deserved to hurt even more. He was pressed into a corner in the basement, hands over his ears, trying to drown out the ringing because it was so loud and the Grabber leering over him, invading his space, but not crossing That Line again [your fault, your fault, your fault].

If the Grabber, Albert, was doing Finn any kindness, it was the fact that he hadn't brought that particular part of this nightmare back to the forefront, but it felt as inevitable as the rest of it. The Robin nightmare was the one where Finn woke up and felt like he had been hit by a truck. All of the symptoms in his body got worse, and forty-eight hours later, he collapsed at school, and here he was.

On the one hand, Finn wanted to ask for medication to knock him out so that he could get some decent sleep. On the other hand, he was petrified that if he were medicated, he wouldn't be able to wake up, and who knows what the Grabber could do to him then. So another sleepless night it was. Finn shivered, pulled the blanket nearly over his head, and tried to sleep.

+++

Finn slowly blinked awake. The hospital room was quiet, which was strange. If there was one thing he knew about hospitals now, it was the fact that they were rarely quiet. He sat up and froze. Or, in this case, didn't freeze because he wasn't cold, and the only time Finn wasn't cold was when he was dreaming. If he were warm right now, this was a dream, and this was the first time a dream had taken place in the same location where he had fallen asleep. 

The smart thing would have been to stay in his room and wait to wake up, but Finn knew better. If the Grabber wanted him, he would find him, and there was very little, if anything, he could do to stop it. So Finn pulled on a jacket over his hospital gown and found a pair of sweatpants that Gwen had dropped off. He didn't bother with shoes. Finn wasn't surprised when he walked into the hallway, and there wasn't a soul to be seen. He'd seen other people in his nightmares, but he never interacted with them. 

He was wandering, and maybe he had let his guard down, and maybe that was one of the dumbest things he'd done a long time. It didn't matter in the end because one minute he was walking down silent hallways, the next someone was yanking Finn back by the collar of his shirt and slapping a hand over his mouth. 

"Hello, Finney, so nice to see you again so soon," the Grabber whispered directly into his ear. Finn froze for half a moment because he didn't know what to do before he started to struggle. He thought he would have to fight to get the Grabber to let him go, but he was released so easily he lost his footing and stumbled to the ground. As soon as he hit the floor, Finn scrambled to his feet because the Grabber loved to pin him to the floor, but that didn't happen either. Instead, he just stood there, watching Finn's frantic movements.

"You're not wearing a mask," Finn said without thinking because it was true. He was staring back at the very human-looking face of the Grabber, at Albert, and not the mask. This was a face he only saw once when he was killing him and never again. So far, in the nightmares, the Grabber had kept some of his face covered, but this was the first time he was standing in front of Finn looking like just a regular person.

It was somehow even more unnerving than the half-frozen, rotten corpse that dragged itself out of hell.

"Are you enjoying seeing it?" the Grabber asked, but Finn frowned. "Are you enjoying looking at the face of the person you murdered?"

"I was defending myself," Finn snapped.

"Were you? Was I down there to kill you, or were you going to survive another night? I can't remember," the Grabber said with a smirk. "Maybe I just came down there to punish you for refusing to play by the rules, but that doesn't mean your life was in danger, not yet." 

"You're not going to make me feel guilty for killing you," Finn said definitively. There weren't many things that he felt sure of when it came to the Grabber, but he refused to feel bad for taking this thing out of the world. 

"I had you, though, as long as I had you, no one else was in any danger," the Grabber said with a smirk. "Your sister would have been safe if you'd just stayed with me the way you were supposed to." 

"You're pushing it too far," Finn said. "Look where I am. They can tell something is wrong, you're doing too much, and they're going to figure it out." The Grabber started laughing, which just made Finn angrier. "What's so funny? You think it's funny that you're fucking up?" The Grabber was suddenly in Finn's space with two hands wrapped around his neck, but he wasn't cutting off any of his air. 

"It's so cute that you think you aren't exactly where I want you to be," the Grabber said. "Yes, some of the side effects are starting to show, but here's the thing about trying to figure out medical mysteries; they're really expensive. There isn't a medical explanation for what you're going through, Finney, so when these doctors try to figure it out, they're going to run into nothing but dead ends. All of that testing and time is expensive, and you know your family can't handle that." 

The world around them blurred, and Finn found himself standing in the kitchen with his Dad looking over papers and Gwen setting down something for them to eat. The Grabber flipped Finn around so his back was pressed against his front, and he was put into a headlock. The arm against his throat was present, but again, his air wasn't being cut off. He was just being held very firmly in place. 

"Even with all of our savings, these medical bills are going to ruin us," Dad muttered. 

"What about college? Is there anything set aside for me that we could use to pay?" Gwen offered. Finn felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach; Gwen needed to get out of here and make something of herself. She needed to go to college, not give up anything that might be left for her to him.

"I don't want to do that, sweetie," Dad said as he rubbed his temples, "but I've had to take a lot of time off work to deal with everything, and they aren't giving me all of my bonuses. We've gotten lucky far, but this is just going to ruin us." 

"You hear that?" the Grabber whispered. "You're going to ruin your family. You're a burden to them, Finney, in every possible way." The world blurred, and they were back in the hospital. The Grabber pushed Finn away, and he stumbled a few steps. Finn realized that they weren't standing in the same hallway anymore, but in a different wing. People were screaming and banging on doors; they were wearing straightjackets and yelling incoherently. "When they can't figure out what's making you sick and you're done bleeding your family dry, you're going to think telling people what's really going on is the right move, but then you'll just become another burden because they'll toss you in here. There are people in this wing strapped down to tables who have said less crazy sounding things." 

"And what's your solution for taking away my family's burden? Suicide?" Finn asked. He tried to sound sarcastic, but it wasn't really working [your fault, your fault, your fault].

"The world knows what you went through, Finney. At this point, they're waiting for you to shoot yourself in the head or become another me. Those are the only possible ends of the road for you," the Grabber replied. He didn't sound sinister when he said that. If anything, he just sounded like he was stating a fact, as he knew for sure those were the only options; there was no door number three to go down.

"I will never become you," Finn spat out, but the Grabber laughed.

"I've seen your nightmares and your memories, my boy, my Finney, and you're not so far off," the Grabber said. "You killed me in cold blood, you beat up anyone who looks at you funny, you're broken, and broken people break people." The Grabber walked into Finn's personal space, but Finn backed away to try to put some distance between them. There was no getting away, though, and before long, his back hit a wall, and he was trapped. The Grabber leered over him, close enough that they were nearly touching, and Finn just wanted this nightmare to end. "I was a poor, broken boy just like you, and then I broke you. Now your options are you inevitably find someone to break or you kill yourself, so you won't break anyone because you're going to do it, and it might not even be intentional."

"I am nothing like you," Finn whispered. "I will never become you, and I'm not killing myself just because you tell me to."

"Oh my poor naughty boy," the Grabber said, and he tsked him like he was a small child whose hands got caught in the cookie jar. "I'm not going to be the one who tells you to kill yourself, you're going to do it, of your own free will, and because it's what you want. It's going to be the thing you're craving by the time this ends. I'm just here to tell you that there's no avoiding this. You are a burden on your family, and it will only get worse the longer you drag all of this out."

"Go fuck yourself, you fucking perverted waste of space." No sooner had Finn spoken those words than two strong hands latched around his throat. He couldn't breathe, and the Grabber might have slammed him into one of the walls because it felt like the small amount of air in his lungs got knocked free. Finn kicked, scratched, and did everything he could to escape.

The only reprise he got was a brief moment when the Grabber stopped strangling him to backhand Finn so hard he tasted blood. He wasn't allowed to hit the floor because the hands were around his throat again. He usually died in the dreams, but this was even slower than bleeding out, and the Grabber made sure there were inches between them the entire time. Finn could see how much he was enjoying this, the way the Grabber pupils dilated, the way his skin got a little redder like he was blushing, and if their bodies were touching, there was no doubt that the Grabber was hard. He just smiled as Finn died the same way The Grabber did in the real world.

+++

Finn didn't really wake up the way he usually did from the nightmares. This time, it was blurrier, more disconnected, like he wasn't in his own body anymore. He knew he was awake because he was cold and he could hear all of the machines beeping. Vaguely, Finn thought he heard the word 'seizure,' but that didn't make sure. He'd never had a seizure before, so why would he start now? Usually, after a nightmare, the last thing Finn wanted was to sleep, but there was no fighting the darkness this time.

He thought he heard laughter, but aside from that, his sleep was dreamless.

The next time Finn opened his eyes, there were more machines in his hospital room, and Gwen was waiting for him. Her eyes were red, as if she'd been crying, and she threw her arms around him when she saw he was awake.

"Don't fucking do that again," Gwen said. 

"Do what?" Finn asked. 

"They walked in during the night, and you were having some massive seizure. They had a really hard time stopping it." Gwen explained. "They're doing more testing; they're going to figure out what's been causing all of this, you'll see." 

No, they won't, Finn thought, but didn't say out loud. Gwen was the only one visiting, his father was nowhere to be seen, and the cold felt like it was sinking into his bones. Finn closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing. 

+++

Finn spent a week in the hospital. For the first six days, he had all of the symptoms that brought him there, plus the ones that no one else could see. The Grabber left behind the bruises and the cold, but no one could see them, even as they remained just as prevalent as the other issues. Every test came back negative, and his Dad became more and more stressed out every day he was there, and with every test they added to the list. Finn saw the Grabber in another nightmare, a brief one, where he appeared in his room and taunted him with all of the tests that were never going to explain this.

On the seventh day, Finn woke up, and everything was fine again. Or everything that the rest of the world could see was fine again. He was still bruised, still cold, still had that lump in his stomach, but everything else vanished overnight. That seemed to make everyone even more frustrated, and Finn heard his dad mutter under his breath, "What was the fucking point?" when he thought Finn was sleeping. 

They discharged him on day eight with no answers and some general advice if he had another seizure. Finn walked around his house in a daze, trying to focus on making up all the schoolwork he had missed. Fortunately, it was his senior year, so there wasn't much he needed to do to graduate, but he still wanted to get it done. He was turning eighteen soon as well,l and that birthday was odd now. 

When things were bad with his Dad, Finn used to think that he would get up and leave the day he turned eighteen. Maybe he would finish out the last few months of the school year with Robin and his family, but the thought of leaving Gwen behind made him a little sick. However, Finn was also very aware that of the two of them, Gwen was the one who could take care of herself even if she was far too young and shouldn't have to. Now, eighteen was right there, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. 

The morning before he turned eighteen, Finn woke up with odd whispers in his head and a new sense of direction. He walked into school and asked if he had all of the credits needed to graduate a month early. They told him that he did, but didn't he want to walk with all of his friends? Finn didn't know how to tell them that his only friend was dead because of him, so no, graduation didn't mean much to him. They started the paperwork, and once they saw he was about to turn 18, they didn't need his Dad's permission. Finn was legally an adult tomorrow, and if he wanted to graduate early, he would. 

Finn didn't remember much of that day, just snapshots like pictures from a Polaroid camera. The next morning, Gwen was doing her best, but he was still going through the motions. They didn't see Dad much these days because he was working overtime to pay all the bills, and he made sure Finn knew it. Finn could tell it was only a matter of time before his Dad fell off the wagon and started drinking again [your fault, Finney, look at what you're doing to your family, your fault]. Gwen was working so hard to keep the family together; she was trying, and Finn could hear her crying on the phone to Ernesto as she told him how she didn't know how much longer she could keep all of this up. Her grades were beginning to slip.

That was what pushed Finn over the edge and made him make the final decision. He got his diploma and went back to an empty house. There was an empty beer bottle hidden at the bottom of the trash can. Finn stared at it for a long time because his Dad drank again. Before Alpine Lake, he was so proud that he had stayed sober, and now, mere months later, Finn caused him to drink again [your fault, your fault]. Next to that bottle was a quiz with Gwen's name on it, a failing grade, and a note at the top asking if everything was okay because this wasn't like her [your fault, your fault, your fault].

He didn't have much, so it didn't take long to pack his things. Finn filled up a backpack and a duffel with some clothing and the few momentos he wanted to bring with him. As he walked out into the living room, the phone started to ring. Finn ran to throw up in the trash can, all over the beer bottle and quiz both hidden like shameful secrets, and tried to calm his racing heart. He hadn't answered a ringing phone since they got back from Alpine Lake, yet this time Finn walked away from the trash can and picked up the receiver. 

"Do you really think this is going to work?" the Grabber said, and he sounded amused. 

"I don't know," Finn replied, honestly, but his voice sounded strange. 

"Here I thought I was going to be the one to punish your sister and father, but nope, you're going to do my work for me. That's my boy; I'm so proud." The line went dead, but just as Finn was about to hang up, he thought he heard an all too familiar voice over the line. It was faint, but he'd know his best friend from anywhere, but even thinking his name seemed wrong. The voice said, "I hate you, you did this."

It was probably a trick, exactly the kind of thing the Grabber would do to get to Finn, but it still felt like getting kicked in the chest. He hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and slowly let it out. Finn didn't remember writing the note to Gwen and his Dad, but he set it on the table anyway. The Grabber was right and wrong; this was going to hurt them, but Finn was relieving them of this burden without giving in to what his personal demon wanted him to do. 

Finn grabbed his things and got to the bus station by mid-afternoon. He didn't bother to look at the schedule or see where the bus was going; he just bought a ticket for the one leaving in ten minutes. He climbed aboard, and no one paid him any mind. As the bus pulled away, Finn thought he saw a familiar mask in the reflection of  the glass, but he didn't acknowledge it. He pulled his hood over his head, closed his eyes, and waited to wake up somewhere, anywhere else.